Embracing the weird…

20 Dec

Elizabeth is angry, she is irritated, she is irked and in dire need of an exorscist for the lack of a better person to rid her off the weird magnet that has seen her attracting weird fellows in the recent past. Elizabeth is refering to herself in the third person because she has just abt had it with the windfElizabeth is angry, she is irritated, she is irked and in dire need of an exorscist for the lack of a better person to rid her off the weird magnet that has seen her attracting weird fellows in the recent past. Elizabeth is refering to herself in the third person because she has just abt had it with the windfall of admirers and had rather get back to the drought which she had rather grown accustomed to….In order to understand the rants by Elizabeth you need to meet the some of the stars in days of her life. Here is what she is talking abt…the list is not exhaustive but merely a sneak peak to a yet to be released reel of a potetntial award winning kenyan soap……

1. Mr village idiot.

He takes the coveted first prize for having redefined ‘pack of nonsense’ VI as he shall be know was a pal to a pal and long story short, the mutual pal hooked then up after being hounded by VI from a picture of Elizabeth he had seen…did they hit it off? Hit off they did, so much so that it got Elizabeth spinning iinto the complete opposite side of the orbit! VI and E had a coffee date and 5 mins into it, E was informed by VI that he owned a kluger, an X6, a Mac 3 and a coupla other toyoz…no vits (wink 😉 just real cars..), 30 acre piece of land in kitengela,house in kile and small plot it the leafy side of kiambu. Did i say 5 mins into the coffee? As E was abt to do a jig to celebrate her good fortune of hitting the jackpot (No No E is not a material girl, she just wants Hon Michuki as a neighbour for networkin purposes) she looked at the belt and shoes! If any man is reading this note here is a tip. If your belt looks like it tied a cow while it was being milked and your shoes like the ran around chasing after that cow u risk being declared persona non grata 5 seconds into the first encounter with a potential missus, leather has a way of lasting for ever so if yours looks like its been nibbled by a rat? You need help and fast!…Back to the millionaire VI who spotted cufflinks that looked like they were made in that jua kali section of river road…when E spotted the dog eared (indulge me) belt and made excuses to leave, VI being the VI he is poured coffee all over her trousers. When E demanded that the Kluger or the X 6 drops her off at home, VI indicated that all the 6 or so cars had been hired by the UN and they were out of town! When E demanded for a new pair of trousers VI told her that if she walked around town for a while it wld dry naturally! When E demanded for a cab (yes, E is very demanding n rightfully so- he poured the drink!) VI indicated that he suggested walking as it was good for the heart n lungs…Did Elizabeth take the walk? Oh yes! walk she did,the heat from the anger did the trick n dried the trouser all the while igonring calls from VI who was eager to make a second date….Oh did Elizabeth tel you that there was a proposal in the mix? Yap, VI at his best. The proposal went like this “Am ready to settle down, you look like a nice girl why not start a family, whats the big deal?” P/S..No animals were hurt in the making of this story.

2. Mr Clueless ole OCD

Elizabeth enjoyed the attention that come from the compulsive disorder to please and serenade her….at first.:)text n calls come in 10 mins intervals, the visits were daily n when she mentioned she liked Chris Rock, Bam! A Chris Rock tshirt was delivered. When she hummed Alejandro? Bam! A lady gaga Cd happened…when she mentioned that she needed a manicure, a manicure set was bought…..till she mentioned she liked VW touareg and Milan was the dream holiday destination did Mr OCD develop a multiple personality disorder and turn to Mr clueless! Elizabeth only got tons and tons of VW pictures, tons and tons of pages of mechanical specs of the VW and postcards from Milan! The intervals between the texts and the calls is now 3 minutes and they are begining to “fill” like those annoying texts from Zain when Mwala was starring in some silly programme…” You have now earned 10 bonga points on Zain” or ” you are now eligible to Kopa credo and then sambaza”…Those texts! The VW touareg has now been upgraded to a CLS with the hope that Mr Clueless gets the hint and uses the money from all the texts for a business class ticket or some car keys!

3. Mr Fillings.

Elizabeth will keep this one short and simple. The very first text to Elizabeth went like this.. word for word… “Sorry to say, I have lots and lots of fillings towards you but to let you know about me, my name is (name withheld) born in 1984″….. Fillings? Really? Fillings? Does Elizabeth look like turkey to you? Fillings? Guys reading this note…attention to detail- and spelling is very important. Enuff said.

4. Mr looney tunes.

The cherry on the pie is none other that the inspiration of the status update and this note. He has taken to calling Elizabeth “Eliza” (how she hates that name now!) which he says in a slow motion singing kind of voice that would have been perfect for that scene in the matrix…you know the scene… How is he known to Elizabeth? To avoid a day in court for not to be insensitive to people with disabilities, lets just say he is one of those people who you cant get rid of coz the hand that butter’s your bread has employed him…Kinda the way you would be staying in an SQ and the landlord has this irritating Shamba boy that you cant stand? And you only option is to live with it or move out? Yap! Its pretty much like that! Elizabeth will let this one slide but is stocking up on pepper spray and is sourcing for a taser gun!.

What say you? Should Elizabeth embrace the weird or get divine intervention?

Guest Post by Elizabeth

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One Response to “Embracing the weird…”

  1. not-so-little Miss Random! December 21, 2010 at 2:27 pm #

    Liz,

    This article is soooo appropriate gosh. There are a lot of creeps out there, from the short men who wear SMS as if it were a badge of honour, to the 30something year old baller who still loves with his parents, to the 40 year old who still drives a Subaru and totally refuses to age to the guy who thinks your money is his money. Aarrgh, the frustrations of dating!!

    Thanks for gracing our blog by the way.

    xoxo!!

    not-so-little Miss Random!

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