Inner conflict and Grrrrrrrrr moments

15 Mar

I will start this blog with a Caveat: This post is very all over the place, read at your own risk lol. I am not sure I will make a lot of sense but I have this urge to just write and get it all out. It is in moments like this when I wish I had gone for an anonymous blog where I could write my heart out without worrying about hurting people’s feelings or being judged a certain way. But since I am here and I happen to own this space, I’ll go ahead and NOT make any sense at all because I can πŸ˜‰

In happy news, I can happily gloat report that my birthday went FABULOUSLY well thanks for asking :-). I truly have made some great friends in the short time I have been in Kampala and for that am grateful. I hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. The awesomeness of that whole weekend means I broke 2 of the most important aspects of the Lent fast that I had talked about here. I literally had 3 tequila shots forced into my mouth bottoms up, though I am glad atleast they did not make me take a whole 27 shots as was their original plan. Phew! I’d have been thoroughly wasted not to mention sick!! (If it counts, I was on water for the rest of the night). Sunday brought with it a whole vanilla cake and being the birthday girl I couldn’t very well not partake πŸ˜‰ so I dug into it mercilessly even though I was already too full from the Chinese lunch we had stuffed ourselves with earlier. Said cake is still in my fridge and am munching a small piece each day. I couldn’t very well throw it away now, can I? There are kids starving in Turkana! It would be shameless! πŸ˜‰ and am not even justifying myself teehee. Afterwards we went bowling at Alleygators where my pal F thrashed me seriously. I still don’t believe it was her first time to go bowling. That girl is goooood! Like I might even enroll her in bowling olympics (is there such a thing anyway) and make some more off it as her manager (sic). Then I can say goodbye to this job and live a life of luxury forever after

Anywho all went well apart from a most disappointing phone call from someone very close to me and subsequent arguement that threatened to ruin my day (it is the reason I am actually conflicted right now). It managed to cloud my otherwise glowing mood for a few minutes before I gave myself a pep talk that went something like this, “Now listen here Carole, you are now a big girl. Big girls do not sulk for hours over other people’s meanness. Especially not on their suprise birthday do which their friends took valuable time to plan so meticulously. No, big girls dust themselves up, put their chin up and a million dollar smile and get on with the business of living,” My inner child is very clever so I listened to her and my pal Z, who said ‘raha jipe mwenyewe’ and went ahead to have myself a total blast. Before the festivities I also attended church and re-dedicated myself to God and heavily repented for allowing myself to be tempted by the Mexican devil of tequila. Shindwe!!

So anywho, after the dust has settled, I am still heavily emotionally disturbed and conflicted by the disappointment from the aforementioned er friend. Most of my disappointment stems from the fact that said friend has had a history of disappointing me over and over and over again even when I have lowered my expectations of them as low as I can humanly go and even increased my thresh-hold for emotional pain :-(. It keeps coming back to my mind especially since I have not seen any sign of remorse or even an apology from the person, infact quite the opposite. I know I am going round and round in circles but at this point am not sure I want to talk about what really happened here, mostly because I feel I should give the person a chance to explain themselves first for the millionth time before writing about it. Also because I will find it so hard to write about something so personal and sensitive as I might have to narrate a long history for you guys to actually get what am talking about. That is definately something I do not want to do, it would be TMI. More than I am definately willing to share.

Yet I still feel like pouring the load in my heart out. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I feel like am going to burst inside if I do not talk about this but also I feel that maybe this unfortunate incident was a blessing in disguise. As in it might lead me into making a decision that I should have made ages ago. In that case it might be a good thing if I was absolutely sure that am not responding to a mosquito with a hammer. :-(. Did I say being an adult sucks???? Kids, DO NOT GROW UP!!!

I normally consider myself a very tough cookie but I am a mushy wushy mess when it comes to my friends. I don’t know how I would go about letting go of someone who consistently makes me feel bad about myself and treats me way less than I believe I ought to be treated, and far worse than I ever treat them. How do you let go of such negative, draining aspects of your life without feeling guilty????? Is letting go even the best option or should a good friend stick around for more hurts?

Have a blessed week lovelies!!! xoxo!!!

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6 Responses to “Inner conflict and Grrrrrrrrr moments”

  1. mrembo March 18, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    Happy Belated! Kumbe you are so young like that

    Your friend thing.. yes as the oldest in here.. I am going to give my two cents πŸ™‚

    If you do decide to let go of the said friend. Tell them. Tell them as in .. have a conversation which has sentences like.. this is important to me. I feel that you have let me down on several occassions. I would like to keep this relationship but give the trust issues I am now having with you, I don’t see how this is going to work out. blah blah blah. Even if you decide not to let go.. you can have the conversation around.. changing dynamics of friendship juu ya all the ish you have done.

    The reason I am insisting you tell the person (in a nice way by the way) is cause I am a former Dumpee. yes I was dumped by a friend many years ago. A female friend and mpaka leo hii.. I do not know what happened. I always say that I wish I had been courageous enough to walk up to her and say “have I done anything to annoy you or hurt you”

    In another scenario.. we used to be a gang and one gang member “dumped” us cause we were not “adding anything of value to his life” we let him go.. and he did come back to the gang 2 years ago and guess what we let him in cause we all know his “ujinga” but at the same time.. we know we can be “dumped” anytime.. but that’s ok.

    Pole for the lenght of this post and good luck with your friend

    • not-so-little Miss Random! March 18, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

      Aaaawww!! You actually called me young?? Wow! You are forgiven for not being here in time for my birthday and anything else you might do/not do while I swim in this bubble of “youngness”.

      Seriously though, you nailed it kabisa. I think I have pretty much made up my mind which direction I am going to take after much thought and self searching. Now I am just psyching myself up for the talk coz its not going to be an easy one.

      Hizi ni zile situations where my piece of mind and genera; well being is at stake.

      Thanks mamii. Enjoy weekend na usi-dance sana

  2. Meg March 15, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

    LET GO AND LET GOD Girl!!!!!!!!!! You know you deserve better so GO FO IT!;) Great to read from you by the way!

    • not-so-little Miss Random! March 15, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

      So true! This is where I get to my end and let God take over. Thanks for visiting this my space my dear πŸ™‚

  3. Zippy March 15, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

    The first bit was good, sad ending… nkt. Yeah Kids don’t grow. I want my baby to always be that lil gal, I know the feeling, having to make life changing decisions.

    I am glad Ulijipa raha… Tafadhali Don every stop. Meantime time I am sure will unfold what it wills and I am so sure it will bring good tidings your way.

    XOXO.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! March 15, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

      Zippy, I wish I had answers. I wish things were different. But then you know me well and you know how had I have worked. Seriously tell Mich not to grow up, adults are mean!!!

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