Ugandan newspapers: The full Vegetables!!

14 Apr

I find a lot to amuse myself with in Uganda, Ugandans are an interesting lot in many ways. The dynamics that govern this society are quite different from ours as Kenyans even though we share a lot as Africans and neighbours. Though a casual look may not reveal as much but a keener eye reveals a lot of differences. The swahili said, “kaa nao uwajue” and my time here has not been devoid of drama and culture shock.

Take their newspapers for example. You would be shocked at the kind of stuff that actually makes the front page news leave alone the entire content of the newspapers, respected national newspapers not gutter press by the way. As in those people who claim that the “Nairobi Star” is gutter press would have a hard time believing what you will find in the pages of mainstream newspapers like the “New Vision” and the “Daily Monitor” which is run by the Nation Media Group. Take for example this advert here which comfortable finds space in the Daily Monitor. And this is just the “subtle” one, trust me.

It gets worse or better depending on who is looking, when you peruse the more popular entertainment rags. Itโ€™s a full vegetable mix; we have the Red Pepper, Onion and the more vulgar ones in Kiganda. I have not read the Onion as yet, for fear of what might assault my eyes but the two times I have come into contact with the Red Pepper I can tell you it hasn’t been easy.

My first encounter with the Red Pepper, I opened the paper, saw the half naked women inside, assumed it was porn, pushed it away while I blushed furiously. As in I could not read it mbele ya watu. My second experience was last weekend at the salon. My hairdresser, Andrew insisted on showing me a photo they had snapped of him partying it away in one of the more “gay-friendly” bars in Kampala. See, my dearest Andrew is gay but he cannot afford to blow his cover by being associated with such a place as Ugandans are not the most gay friendly people this side of the Sahara. Just a couple of months ago, one of the biggest gay activists was brutally killed in his home, an act which caused a serious international outcry.

Where was I? Hm, the Red Pepper. The thing with this paper is that its not just the pictures that amuse the readers, the language is also, how shall we say, peppery. Thighs are likely to be described as such “The pothole-less road that leads to Kandahar”. You figure out where Kandahar is ;). Or this one that I read on Saturday, “Her face was Fanta, but her ass is a disappointing Coca Cola”, talking about a chick that had bleached herself. Or “stuffing the ballot box” to mean doing you know what. Or this one, “If a babe has toes that are widely spaced, it could be a sign that she moves with a โ€˜cathedralโ€™ between her legs. If you have ever in church alone, you know what is meant by that. The length of the distance between the toes reflects the distance of the walls of her vuvuzela. It is very hard to successfully blow such a vuvu. However, babes with ginger-like toes are said to be warm inside.” Banange!! Like in a national newspaper???????? SMH!!! Wajaribu hiyo Kenya waone.

The story among my male friends here is that whenever they are going back home, they dare not travel without several copies of these veggies for their boys in Nairobi. As in if they show up bilaz they might be lynched. I even have like 2 pals who buy the veggies the moment they touch down in Entebbe, long before making hotel bookings and such! These are hot veggies I tell you! Am actually thinking, maybe I should start selling the veggies in Nairobi or something?? ๐Ÿ˜‰ subscribe now for the chance of a lifetime, endless supply of veggiesโ€ฆโ€ฆ.

To potential subscribers, if you havenโ€™t had your lunch, here are some links to these vegetables for your visual nourishment and satisfaction. Drums roll please, I present, The onion and the Red Pepper.

p/s: I intentionally left the number of the ssenga on that ka-advert just in case you have any of those problems listed there. Teehee ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

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8 Responses to “Ugandan newspapers: The full Vegetables!!”

  1. shikomsa April 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Ouch! That chic with widely spaced toes. Ouch!

  2. Mrembo April 19, 2011 at 11:33 am #

    I read this last night and it tickled my funny bone.

    Kenyans are prudes like that!

    The funny thing is when these papers first started way back when I was still in Uni (as in the concept of gossip magazines with a page 4 nude model) it caused so much chaos.. everyone was up in arms. That paper had to shut down.. don’t remember what is was called.

    Fast forward to now.. and we wonder what the fuss was.

    Redpaper gets into our house and passed around without any problem.. or blushes ๐Ÿ™‚

    • not-so-little Miss Random! April 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm #

      Imagine after staying here I think Kenyans are a very sheltered lot. You should have seen the way my eyes popped when I first saw the Red Pepper. Alama ya mshangao! lol

      I go to this old lady’s kiosk, she must be in her 50’s and I find her and her grandson reading Red Pepper ni kama ni story book, she feels nothing.

      Eh eh!! If my mother caught me reading it she might call the whole church to pray and wekelea hands on me!

  3. kbaab April 16, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    LOL!Are you for real??? Kenya ni kupoa.

  4. Zippy April 14, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    He he he he… Thanks for the contacts and links. Lol.

    Wachana na hawa watu, I am speechless. BIla words kabisa.

    thanks for sharing babe.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! April 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

      Kai atari ngoma fio fio! And imagine you can go to a shop you find an old mathe reading it, kwanza ile page iko na dame ako naked and she feels nothing. Uuuuwiiii!!! Na vile me I feel shy even looking at it ikiwa mbali lol

      xoxo!!!

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