Would you stay?

18 May

There you are, married to the man of your dreams, living the good life; good-looking, successful, loving husband, 2.5 we-behaved kids (whatever that means), nice house in the suburbs, nice cars, good career, the works; Life can not get any better if it tried.

Then your husband admits to an affair or the grape vine delivers the sour news at your door step unexpectedly. You’ve been a good wife as far as you are concerned. You kept your mouth shut and your legs open only for the love of your life like a good woman should. You maintained your figure and still dress as good as before, kept a good, clean home, delivered him adorable, disciplined kids, you bring home half the bacon, support his ambitions and even indulge his nagging mother without a complaint. How then could he? Why? You don’t deserve this.

You confront the cheating bastard and he tearfully admits to having been “misled by the devil” or whatever excuses they use these days. Your heart breaks. Your world shutters. You want to kill someone! Grrrrr. You want to climb into a hole and die or maybe immigrate to outer Mongolia where nobody knows you. You wonder who else knew, why they didn’t tell you, how much they must pity you. What a fool they must think you are! Your mind and heart are a whirlwind of emotions that threaten to choke the life out of you.

After confronting all the drama, what is your next move? Do you stay and work it out with the man you swore to spend forever with? Or do you pack up your kids, move out/throw him out and divorce the bastard?

Think about it for a minute.

Thats what’s on my mind at 12:34pm today after reading the Arnold/Maria Shriver drama.

Here’s what Miss Carole would do.

@#$%@#####^*&|\#$%&^^^^^^^^^&*$###^^^#$#%*&%$#%*!!!@#$!!!! the shit out of the a*****e!!!!!! Then proceed to kick the motherf&*#r “to the left”, right after cutting one arm off all his suits and shirts then painting the other half a gory punk pink!!! Grrrrrr!!!! Somebody hold me back!!! lol

In reality though, I think I’d be shocked into silence for a while. Of course after the shock wore off I would give him a good piece of my mind. Am just not the kind to keep quiet and let God avenge for me. No! The words would kill me if I didn’t let them all out without “pimaring”. I might go away for a while to clear my head, most likely thats what I would do coz I doubt I’d be able to stand him in that moment.

But eventually I think I would come back, talk it out with him, rant, guilt-trip him and if he seemed sorry enough, I would try to pick the pieces of the marriage and move on. I’ve thought about it long and hard and I think that’s what I’d do. Of course I am not sure as I have not been faced by this situation and hope to God to never experience it (though I have been cheated on by boyfriends in which case I do not even hesitate with the “to the left to the left” coz after all they are just that, boyfriends).

My reasoning is that a marriage is way different from a “kawa” relationship. To me a marriage is forever; divorce is not an option. The only exception is where your partner hits you or abuses you or sleeps around too much in which case you risk catching an STD or worse AIDS from them, thats where it stops for me.

That aside, how do you forgive such a betrayal and get to a point where you can look at that person with the same innocence and wonder as before? I think once the trust is broken, something bigger exits the relationship, that look, that feeling……. it can never be the same again…. and I say this from experience.

………………… . Its too depressing even for me.

But I would love to hear what you would do faced with a cheating husband/wife. Please indulge me.

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19 Responses to “Would you stay?”

  1. devil's advocate June 15, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    Ladies, ladies…hold your horses.

    Here’s the deal. All men cheat, period.

    EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM THAT WALK THIS EARTH. It is in their DNA to cheat (if you must call it that).

    They either do it in their heads, in the bathroom (you figure that out), or out in the open. Just pray that your man is one that does not choose the latter. Or if he does, he is truly sorry. If you have such a man, don’t leave him. Just help him work out his slip up. There is hope for such men.

    But I must agree with you. There are cases that cannot be redeemed. Walk away from such men.

    However, if you think your man is perfect; you are truly fooling yourself. Men are all imperfect. You ladies are the perfect ones.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! June 16, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

      Devil’s advocate,

      I definately see your point. And women are by no means perfect by the way. BUT why must it mostly be men doing us wrong? Forgiveness is a tough thing when remorse lasts only two weeks or untill the dust settles

      • devil's advocate June 17, 2011 at 6:58 am #

        There are two ways to look at this, I think. We can stay inside the box and simply say: It is what it is. That ‘s how men are wired. Bad, bad men.

        Or we could think outside the box and consider the proposition that our whole modern conception of the human male -female relationship may not only be wrong, but unnatural.

        Could it be that we are not naturally designed for monogamous, forever and ever relationships? Maybe human men are like the males of other species who just go around spreading their seed and fertilizing then die off. After all men on the average live shorter lives then women. We conflicts arise, they are the ones that get shipped off to die. Maybe that is how it was supposed to be.

        Or maybe men should naturally be like elephant males who roam in herds of their own and only the alphas get to mate and reproduce. Maybe all this pain we are causing each other is just a consequence of our insistence on living in a civilized world setting that ignores or seeks to regulate our natural inclinations for the sake of progress. If that be the case, then we should be looking at this as emotional global warming. Just another waste product in the march of modern society. I like modern stuff, but we must all realize that there is a price to pay for these conveniences.

        Maybe I don’t know the answer and just like rambling randomly.

  2. Vera Eti May 23, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    Mpenzi,

    First of all I will definately be having a 9mm rifle with some ammo(licenced) under my bed for such surprises because I will definately be shooting some ass, legs,etc (of course not kill)and cripple him.

    THEN WE CAN TALK.

    At the same time I would make sure as much as I am married to someone( I have my property, money, savings etc)in case the man ends up being a notorious cheater/loser.(dont intend to die any sooner..
    Then I would move out with the kids, forgive & move on.:))

    • not-so-little Miss Random! June 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm #

      Vera, thats the best way to put it. Every woman should have a safety net to catch them incase things go awry

  3. Mrembo May 20, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

    I was with you up to the point where you said you would stay.. Then I was with you after that when you said you believe marriage is forever.

    Lakini this one was just tooo much. The chick / maid lived in thier house. Had the child, still lived in thier house mpaka this January then he kept quiet for 10 years.. cause apparently LA Times had the story so he outed it first before they outed him. That kind of deceit and betrayal ni ya ndani sana. Woi…

    I think she had enough. Arnold was known for having issues with women. Si that time he was running for Governor the first time it came out ati he “gropes” women and she stood by her man.

    Me thinks dude being an actor.. married “strategically” As in he had a goal and needed the right name and family to get there and hey presto.. once there.. his true colors came out

    • not-so-little Miss Random! May 21, 2011 at 8:47 am #

      Mrembo, in Arnold/Maria’s case I am totally in agreement with you. The man is a serial cheater proven over and over again, he would never have confessed this indiscretion had the papers not threatened to out him and on top of that he let his wife continue to live in the same house and pay the beeyatch he had an affair with? #forkojembe kabisa. I also think he married her for her name. These men!

      Lakini I can’t agree with you on leaving. Fine, the trust is gone. But what if this person is genuinely sorry and is willing to make amends? What if the situation was reversed? You would expect him to take you back, wouldn’t you? Never say never, shit happens.

      On the other hand, I also think marriage is much more than yourself, its about family, your kids… I find leaving a little selfish regards of the unsolicited pain that you have been caused. I’d probably not trust him for a long time, but that’s where the game would change with me having the upper hand. Boy would he have to WORK to EARN back my trust!

  4. Karuu May 20, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

    Faced with a cheating hubby, i would first cry and cry from the heart. Not like a Luo mourner who wails and crys then afterwards asks who is dead….. No. I’d cry from the inside then go away for some time to clear my mind.

    Then i would come back and face the problem head-on. I would try to understand from his point of view why he cheated.

    Then if i was the problem, then i would change. If he was the problem and he is willing to change, then we can work it out. But trust would take the exist door…..

    • Mrembo May 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

      But Karuu once trust is out the door.. how the heck you gonna still stay married and happy. Trust is such a vital component in marriage. Just like in friendship.

      That is why for me.. cheating is a complete deal breaker.. cause I will not be able to trust you again and that alone is a receipe for unhappyness and trouble if I opt to stay.

      Me I would be out the door. I will love you kwa mbali 🙂

      • Karuu May 20, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

        Mrembo, being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections …… Being happy doesnt really mean you have to fully trust him…… And as Miss Random said, marriage is not for backing out or for the small hearted either……#justthinkingcoldwar….

    • not-so-little Miss Random! May 21, 2011 at 9:07 am #

      Karuu,

      I have to disagree with you on one thing though. There is no way you can be the reason he cheated, no frigging way. Cheating is a failure on his side/character that can never be attributed to you whether you gained weight, stopped wearing make up, work too much, earn more
      Etc. There is no excuse and no man should make you feel like you made him cheat. If he was so bothered by all the “wrong” things you were doing, how does sleeping with another woman make them go away? Why wouldn’t he talk to you about it or seek help from family or a counselor kama ni mbaya sana?

      I will stay, but I will not let him guilt me into taking responsibility for his poor judgement. Women should stop excusing men’s weaknesses

  5. Shi May 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

    I second Olivia…I wld want to add some additional comments but I cant put it better than she has..

  6. Zippy May 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm #

    Gal you left out the bit ‘and he fathered a 10 year old kid with a houseld staff” someone hold me… heeeeee! Wachana.

    But I agree with you gal and Olivia I would try pick the pieces and try patch it up no matter how torn it would be.

    But lets thank God, He will not allow us to get into such! I believe.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! May 18, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

      Zippy he fathered that kid like 10 yrs ago bana, though he does have a bad rep with women so this must be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Mungu atusaidie sana hii generation

  7. Meg May 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    Hmm…quite a thought especially with the ongoing “woman drama”….
    If it happened to me, first thing i would do is sit down and CRY… lol…WAIL…betrayal! Worst thing that any human being can do to another… Broken trust. Remember all the good memories and cry some more…Sit down and put two and two together……..try to understand what could have triggered his infidelity and why.

    After crying for a few days, i will have calmed down and now deal with the fellow. Sit down and talk… try to understand his side of the story and find out if he is really sorry and wont happen again…
    After which i will know whether to give a second chance or not…

    if rude, disrespectful or just arrogant….. I will Pack my bags and kids and leave…My bedroom is still mine:):):) at my Mom’s……

    We can try and work it out but if it happens again, am Sorry…

    • not-so-little Miss Random! May 18, 2011 at 8:42 pm #

      Meg, I so feel you on the wailing bit. Yaani I would wail harder than a Luo professional mourner! Such disrespect and disappointment from the one person who is supposed to have closest to you is unthinkable. I would stay. But if he was a serial cheater I would also leave, for the sake of my dignity, my sanity, my health and my kids. Such never change. But I wouldn’t go back to mum’s house, I’d upgrade to my own house. That’s partly why I advocate for women having their own success and money

  8. Olivia May 18, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    Yes, I would. Divorce, for me, is completely out of question too. And the Lord works wonders, He can restore that which is lost through infidelity. That is not to say it’s an easy thing to go through. It definitely hurts and no amount of justification or explanation would help matters. However, time is a master healer. And the Lord provides sufficient grace to go through it all. To forgive and start over and most importantly, to remain faithful to each other.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! May 18, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

      Olive, I couldn’t have put it any better, at the end of the day its the grace of God. Some things with kawa human strength it would be hard to deal with. But I wish people were not as wantonly careless with their loved ones feelings. Guess its true what they say, the will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot help you.

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