Loving from a distance……..

13 Jul

The other day, I posted a simple status update on facebook which quickly degenerated into a “Carole needs to get married/Carole must get the right guy” fiasco. I was flustered. I never saw that coming! Especially because the topic was being discussed by people who mostly know my facebook life and not my real life. (Don’t look at me like that, ya’ll know that you do not share 100% percent of yourself with your facebook friends, well unless you are into TMI). I mean, the status update was in no way relationship related and neither did I indicate to any of the commentors that I am single or searching. Here is what I wrote if you don’t believe me, “jamani hii technology imezidi! you go to church and as I whip out my Bible, people are whipping out ipads, iphones and blackberrys to read scripture! yawa!”. Now tell me how that shows that am ripe for marriage or all that hoopla that was raised (That’s for you Dee)

In truth, I have been single for a couple of months but it is not a fact I share with my facebook friends and no, I am not searching (am a traditional girl in that sense, men search for me and not vise versa πŸ™‚ ). As a matter of fact most people assume I am in a relationship because the whole Peanut thing was a bit public and I never bother to correct them since it is none of their business anyway. By the way that ended earlier this year 😦 and I was a little disoriented for a while there. I had really wanted to share it with you guys coz I was hurting like a motha****** and just let it all out but some things are so much easier to talk about if you have the liberty to pour out emotions and tears without being judged. I felt I could not do that here as both our friends and family visit this blog often, I just wanted to maintain some level of respect and privacy during all that. Any wonder then that I sometimes wish this blog was anonymous?? I swear you guys would stone me for the motor mouth if it was! πŸ™‚

Anywho, maybe one day when all the scars are healed I might tell that story, if only to help someone else who might be in the same situation I was in without realizing. One thing is for sure, and I say this from bitter experience (twice by the way), LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT THE IDEAL THING. Note that I do not say they are bad. They have worked for some few people, but my experience has taught me that you never really know the person you are dating till you are stuck in the same city/house/neighbourhood with them. As for me, twice bitten forever shy!!

Here’s the thing about long distance relationships as Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie observes in “Half of a Yellow Sun”, the intensity is not easily abated as they are relationships consumed in sips. They are always on a high. You meet for a few days or weeks and everything is lovey dovey, perfect behaviour; you cannot stand being apart and there is a general air of peace, love and goodwill to all mankind. By the time the true colours start to come out it is time to say goodbye till the next bout of intense love and play. The excitement and mounting pressure of waiting for the next meet holds things intact till it arrives and the cycle goes on and on. How then do you truly know the person you are dating? Like really, truly know them. Isn’t what the person says over the phone/email/skype etc just mere words? I think thats what makes long distance relationships just perfect. The lack of true communication, the tempered intensity, the feeling of a renewed relationship with every meeting, the lack of “real” conflict. How do you know the skeletons that your significant other hides in his part of the world and vice versa without looking like a paranoid, distrusting lunatic?

For example, on our first days of chatting with my ex, he would go on and on about how he is eating healthy, whipping up meals that had me drooling on my keyboard as he typed yummy descriptions. I am a relatively good cook but these chats made me feel very insecure and self conscious about my skills in the kitchen so I was really panicky about the first time I would cook for him. Fast forward 8months later and circumstances forced us to live together for a month. Weeeeeell well! Prince charming could not cook!!! Well apart from boiling the tea and prolly some eggs. Like I am 1000 times a better cook na siringi!! My confidence came back a hundred fold but then it made me doubtful and less trusting, I started doubting the truthfulness of all the things he was saying on chat. I mean if he could make such an unnecessary lie, what else was he lying about?

Nothing like little lies here and there to crumble the trust. Shake the trust and the paranoia sets in. You question each and everything which then turns into an annoying nag and you become the person you never ever thought you could become. Your confidence is shaken and the resultant mess is just not worth it. You get my drift?? I don’t know about you but I hate not being in control of what happens to me, I hate loosing confidence. I realize that I cannot control 100% of my life and am cool with that, but I want to be able to know with CERTAINTY and be confident about the FUNDAMENTAL areas of my life. My heart forms a big part of that. Once I feel that that bit is safe, I can relax and let the rest flow. I guess thats the part I found the hardest about both my long distance relationships. From various conversations with girlfriends I find that most women are like me in that sense.

What am trying to say is if you are going to get into a long distance relationship or do find yourself in one somehow (how??), exercise extra caution, keep your eyes wide open; more that you would in a same-city relationship and RUN at the first signs of danger. In addition, make sure you know what you want from the onset and communicate it to the other party effectively, do not be vague about your expectations, short term and long term and what you are willing to give in return. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of a THOROUGH background check on the person. CHECK, SNOOP, GOOGLE, INVESTIGATE, hire the FBI, the CIA, MOSAD and know him inside out. Ok, you may not need to go all that length but do not believe only what comes out of his or his friends mouths, get objective, realistic information. Trust me, it could save you a lot of time, effort and in some extreme situations, your life. The rest is up to you and the “vibe” you get in your interactions with the person – your instincts are God’s way of showing you the way. Listen and act before its too late. Finally, just pray about it and God will reveal what you need to know in due course. Only HE has your back completely.

As for me, I am happily single for now and totally enjoying the experience of being in Kampala and meeting so many people from different parts of the world. If and when I do get into a relationship, I would prefer to have a “real” relationship with someone who lives in the same city as me. I shall not say that I will never have a long distance relationship because every time I say I will never do something I ALWAYS end up doing it :-). What I will say is I do not want one and I will work hard not to attract one so help me God.

Side note: You must read atleast one of Chimamanda Ngozi’s books. My personal favourite is Purple Hibiscus.

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26 Responses to “Loving from a distance……..”

  1. kbaab July 18, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    I agree, long distance relationships are not ideal. Just like you I believe if I can avoid one, the better. I’m sorry for what you went through, but hey, such is life. You live, you learn.

    I’ve read Half of a yellow sun and Purple Hibiscus. I just love Ngozi’s writing! πŸ™‚

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 18, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      Kbaab,

      Are you feeling better now?

      I love Chimamanda Ngozi so much, now try and get “The thing around your neck”. Totally worth it πŸ™‚

  2. Karuu July 18, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    Pole sana Name-sake for what you went through. Am sure you came out stronger and wiser. You are now more refined as far as relationships are concerned and will now be able to spot easily anything that gives you doubt.

    Well, what to do? Its life and we have to learn from it. I have been on long distance relationships and came out as a total mess, a wreck of some sort. I sort of understand where you are coming from

    As for Chimamanda’s books, where can one get them in Kampala?

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

      Ahsante namesy! Having lived out of Kenya am sure you feel me.

      You can get the books at Aristoc at Garden City, 2nd floor!!

      xoxo πŸ™‚

      • Karuu July 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

        I just went to Aristoc and got myself Purple Hibiscus. They didnt have the rest……. Thanks for the lead…

        ION, my laptop, phone and some $ were stolen. Am starting all over again and reminding myself this is not Kigali and I have to be security conscious.

        Am soon finishing setting up the showroom and will invite you when done. Its been 2 months of helter skelter ….

      • not-so-little Miss Random! July 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

        Woi, just seen this. Aki pole sana, clearly kuna wakikuyu Kampala coz even me I lost my phone and some $$ as well. Be careful here, not everyone wishes you well, even with the people you interact with at work

        Call me to see the showroom when you’re ready. xoxo πŸ™‚

  3. braintattoo July 15, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Happy for you… that you finally get to exhale. Let me share with you one of my favorite sayings: A woman is like a teabag.. the hotter the water, the stronger she becomes.

    You are now stronger than before. Plus it looks like you’ve learned some very crucial lessons… better now than when you are married. Keep your head up.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 15, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

      Braintattoo,

      I like that saying, I hope you don’t mind if I steal it :-).

    • Karuu July 18, 2011 at 11:59 am #

      I love the saying too….. And yes, better now than when you have already said “I do”

      • not-so-little Miss Random! July 18, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

        Very true. Bado uko hii Kampala wewe?

      • Karuu July 18, 2011 at 2:07 pm #

        Niko hii Kampala. Came back like a week ago. Had gone back home for 3 weeks or so, to ensure my showroom consignment leaves Nairobi. It has taken donkey years to settle down but soon i will manage.

  4. Wanja July 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    Hey sweery, sorry about that but atimes things like these happen for us to move to the next stage of our lives. I guesse every woman out here has a story or two to tell coz Dunn aint love a hard exercise. But still we Soldier on with Faith n Hope of finding our soul mate….in the meantime, I want to live my life to the full, enjoy every minute of it……..

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm #

      Wanja,

      Am sure everyone has a sad tale out there. The problem is it seems we never learn, its always one heartbreak after another. Clearly the heart is not so smart……. Keep eating life with a big spoon girlie, xoxo

  5. DI July 13, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Hey, you shouldnt take people like me so seriously. Was just a post. As usual, stalking your wall… pulling down now.

  6. Josephine July 13, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

    Hey girl….oooh love, sad and happy to read about this. Happy that God opened your eyes, i’ve been there before, if someone can lie about the very insignificant things like cooking, how about the very significant ones….I know how you meet a guy and you are like ‘I hope this is it’ then it just turns out not to be it , devastating but trust me, God knows better. You are an amazing person who only deserves to be with another amazing person. Welcome back to blogging, keep us entertained. Miss ya lots!

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 13, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

      Thanks Josephine for the vote of confidence. I know it will come, I just know it :-). Miss you too girl. You know some lies are just not worth it, I just thank God I am not that person

  7. Zippy July 13, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    How so true… Love your honesty and letting it all out. You owed your mafans a comeback and one on one talk…

    I feel you alot and you open my eyes with this piece. Bless.

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 13, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

      Zippy,

      Ati mafans? lol, nawapenda wote. *Applause!!! lol

      You know exactly what am talking about coz of the way I bothered you with endless calls and texts during that time. I really thank God for you, nakupenda!!

      • Zippy July 14, 2011 at 8:29 am #

        Hey what are friends for? galfriends for that Matter. We remain BFF. Nakupenda Right back.

  8. Carrie July 13, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    Nice to read from you again hun, and my heart goes out to you for whatever you been through. sometimes God takes us through the hottest of fires to prepare us for greater things so yeah, your time will come. I hope ur good though, hope to catch up with you sometime this millenium (been ages)

    mingi love xoxoxo

    • not-so-little Miss Random! July 13, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

      Hey Carrie,

      You’ve known me for the longest, and you knew this part of my life too so I am sure you feel me. Thanks for supporting me then even if things didn’t turn out for the best. Am just thankful its now and not much later. How have you been? Missed you.

      And am in Nairobi next week for a couple of days, we MUST hook up!! Kisses

  9. not-so-little Miss Random! July 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    πŸ™‚ *blush! So proud of myself for a new post, and thanks for pushing me girlie.

    At first I really questioned why it didn’t last but God kept me from an even worse experience I believe, so I give thanks.

    Lakini the biggest lesson I learnt from all that is the one you are laughing at, human beings are capable of the worst kind of lies and betrayal, best be prepared even if that makes you a paranoid snoop! lol

    Do read Purple Hibiscus or The thing around your neck, or start out with a short story from her blog (find her on facebook). The way you and I think alike am sure you will love her sana.

    xoxo~!!!

  10. olivemootai July 13, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    First of all yaay!! to a new post. Second, so sorry love for the pain you went through but I’m so glad you got to realize it before it was too late and third, thank the Lord that you got out of it and I know you are a stronger person for it. Lol!!! @CHECK, SNOOP, GOOGLE, INVESTIGATE, hire the FBI, the CIA, MOSAD and know him inside out. Funny, but true and very necessary. What can I say? You are one strong lady. I will look for one of Chimamanda’s books, heard so much about her. I think I’ll start with the Purple Hibiscus. Lastly, do enjoy your single status, while it lasts. xo

  11. Olive July 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    First of all yaay!! to a new post. Second, so sorry love for the pain you went through but I’m so glad you got to realize it before it was too late and third, thank the Lord that you got out of it and I know you are a stronger person for it. Lol!!! @CHECK, SNOOP, GOOGLE, INVESTIGATE, hire the FBI, the CIA, MOSAD and know him inside out. Funny, but true and very necessary. What can I say? You are one strong lady. I will look for one of Chimamanda’s books, heard so much about her. I think I’ll start with the Purple Hibiscus. Lastly, do enjoy your single status, while it lasts. xo

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  1. Fatal Attraction 10 « HUMBLE MURDERER - July 13, 2011

    […] Loving from a distance…….. (randomcarole.wordpress.com) […]

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